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Death of a Dream |
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Written by TCF (Linda Young)
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Wednesday, 07 December 2005 |
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DEATH OF A DREAM
My baby is gone, and no-one understands my sorrow. They said: “You were only seven weeks pregnant.”
They didn’t know I had already named the baby....Rachel for a girl, Joshua for a boy. They didn’t know my twelve year old son had already promised to take care of that baby every day, and was considering even changing diapers. They didn’t know my nine year old had been asking for a brother or sister for six years. They just didn’t know all my hopes and dreams for this baby.
They said: “Don’t worry....you’ll get pregnant again.” They didn’t know it had taken six years to conceive this child. They didn’t know this was a very special baby, conceived under a Christmas tree, with the man I love. This was a baby I wanted...not just any baby. I don’t know if I will ever have the courage to try again.
They said: “You are young. Only thirty-two. You have many years yet to have a child. They didn’t know my mother started menopause at thirty-six. Or that two of my aunts had hysterectomies for cancer, one at twenty-four and the other at thirty-six. Or that my cousin is at stage two with cervical cancer. Even now the clock is running out on me.
They said: “Miscarriages happen...nothing to worry about.” They didn’t know this was my fifth miscarriage, one a set of twins. They didn’t know how losing my baby pulls my emotions inside out and leaves me feeling raw and tender. They didn’t understand my fear that I will never have another baby.
They said that I was silly to cry. They didn’t understand my grief. It was not a lump of flesh, it was my baby. They didn’t understand the joy I felt, or the loss, or the emptiness I feel. They said: “These things happen for a reason. The baby probably hadn’t formed properly.” They said I should be grateful.
They can’t understand the anger I feel....towards women trying desperately to rid themselves of unwanted babies, and towards the happy women awaiting the birth of their babies. They didn’t understand my anger at my own body, for rejecting my baby and understand my anger at my own body, for rejecting my baby and destroying my dream.
They said: “You already have two healthy children, consider yourself lucky.”
I am fortunate. Many women will never be able to have a child of their own. But it doesn’t lessen my sorrow. My baby is gone and I am sad. Why won’t they let me grieve?
Linda Young
The Compleat Mother / Spring 1987
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