Helping bereaved parents

(Suggestions for concerned relatives and friends)

In today's world, parents in the West do not expect their child or children to die first. Yet every year, thousands of parents are faced with just this reversal of normal expectations, this shattering of their hopes and dreams.

It is immensely difficult for these bereaved parents to rebuild their devastated lives. Relatives and friends are usually supportive at first, but within weeks of the funeral this can diminish, perhaps at just the time when the parents and family are suffering most deeply. The family may include surviving brothers and sisters, grandparents and others, each with their own grief, their own memories, their own pain. They have an overwhelming need to talk of the one who has died, of their life, the circumstances of their death, the seeming impossibility of continuing without them.

Relatives and friends may want to help, yet feel inadequate, unsure of how best to support the bereaved parents. There is no magical solution to make things better, no simple formula that will be right for everyone, yet your help can mean so much. To help family and friends of bereaved parents, The Compassionate Friends (TCF) offers the following suggestions:

Do

•  Be open in showing your concern and caring: just being there with them, a few words, a gentle touch, even to sit in silence, can be comforting.

•  Be available to listen, to help with the children, pets, shopping, domestic chores, the garden.

•  Say that you are saddened by what happened to their child, and encourage them to talk about her or him as often as they want.

•  Allow them to express as much grief as they are willing to share; this may include misery, depression, anger, guilt and other unexpected reactions.

•  Share your memories and talk about the special qualities of their child.

•  Reassure them that they did everything they could, and tell them of everything true and positive about the care given to their child.

•  Give extra attention to brothers and sisters; they too are hurt and confused, possibly frightened, and in need of attention, which their parents may not be able to give at this time.

•  Be patient: they may be unable to respond to offers of help while they are deep in shock, but ask again later.

Don't

•  Avoid them because you are uncomfortable: being avoided by friends adds to an already intolerably painful experience.

•  Say, “I know how you feel” (unless you too have lost a child).

•  Talk too much about your own children.

•  Tell them what they ‘should' feel, ‘ought' to do. There is no timetable for grieving; each person has to do it at his or her own pace.

•  Change the subject when they mention their child.

•  Avoid mentioning their child's name because you are scared of reminding them – they won't have forgotten.

•  Try to find something positive about the death (for example, closer ties with the family, some kind of ‘moral lesson').

•  Suggest that they can have another child (it could not replace the child who has died).

•  Say “It's good you've still got other children” - they are not interchangeable.

•  Make any comment that suggests that the care given to their child at home, in hospital or wherever, was inadequate: parents are riddled with feelings of guilt and doubt without any prompting from others.

•  Let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out to a bereaved parent.

There are many practical ways in which you can help and support a bereaved household. Prepared food is almost always welcome, things that are ready to eat, or just need warming in the oven. Offer to do the shopping, or to accompany them - and be ready to come home early if you can see they are finding it too difficult. Washing, and ironing for them may be helpful. Perhaps taking the children out would help - not so much for treats but in circumstances where they can talk freely. They may not do so at home where they feel their parents may be upset by their questions, thoughts and worries. These will vary according to the ages of the children, and they may demonstrate their thoughts indirectly. Games and sports can be useful outlets for feelings that are too difficult to put into words. If there is a dog to be walked, the bereaved parent(s) or child(ren) may appreciate some company.

Flowers are nearly always welcome, as are bulbs, trees or shrubs; or you could order one of ‘The Compassionate Friends' rose bushes (contact the National Office for details, see address below). They will be welcome, too, on the child's birthday, or the anniversary of the death.

Bereaved parents feel jolted out of their normal life patterns; picking up the threads again can be very difficult and may take a long time. They may not feel able to join in as they used to do, the devastation and profundity of their loss is so great. From time to time suggest a meal out or a visit to the leisure centre, or the cinema. Such a suggestion may be turned down for some time, but eventually there will come a day when it will be welcomed. Do, however, bear in mind the circumstances of the death: the parents of a child who drowned may be distressed by the suggestion of a relaxing swim.

If you feel that there are financial difficulties, particularly over meeting the costs of the funeral, you may be able to organise a number of people to contribute towards a gift of money to help the parents, but be very sensitive.

There may be belongings to be collected from playgroup, school, university, hospital, hospice, mortuary or police station - offer to accompany the parents, or to go for them if they would prefer that.

Correspondence arriving for the dead child (who may, of course, have been an adult) can be very distressing for the parents. Perhaps you can write letters (for the parents to sign) to inform the relevant organisations .

If you have any photographs of the child, offer to let the parents have copies - they will appreciate enormously any pictures that you can give them. They will probably cry when they see them, but don't let that stop you offering them; later, if not immediately, they will be grateful.

Share your memories of the child; it will be reassuring to the parents that their child will not be forgotten. Don't be afraid of recalling amusing stories and occasions; laughter may feel shocking at first, but it helps to put things into perspective, to acknowledge that there are many different recollections of the child. If you can, write down your memories of the child: a letter or card with some special reminiscences can bring a great deal of comfort.

Be prepared to give your support to the family over an extended period. This does not mean visiting daily; telephone, letter, e-mail, even postcard contact can be equally welcome and sustaining. Consistency, rather than frequency, is what is needed.

Bereaved parents will never forget your friendship and support at this very sorrowful time; your response to their needs will undoubtedly help them through the pain of learning to live without their child.

Suggested further reading:

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