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The police and bereaved parents |
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Written by TCF (UK)
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Wednesday, 07 December 2005 |
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The police and bereaved parents
BREAKING BAD NEWS
Essential steps:
• Preparation - take all available information with you
• Disclosure - never tell the bad news to the neighbours before the parents
• Composure - take deep breaths on the doorstep to calm yourself
• Introduction - give your name and rank, ask to come in
• Communication - gather the family together, invite them to sit down, avoid ‘police jargon', use the child's name
• Awareness - the family is unprepared for your visit; reactions might be: disbelief, shock, anger, violence, silence, sobbing, hysteria …..
• Cot deaths - explain that you are working for the Coroner (or Procurator Fiscal)
• Transport - if identification is needed, discuss arrangements for transport there and back
• Departure - never leave a person alone, unless requested
• Follow-up - call again, whenever you can
The Compassionate Friends (TCF) has written this leaflet for police officers; in the text ‘you' refers to the police officer working with the bereaved family. It is mainly concerned with the difficult job of informing parents of the death of their son or daughter. Although we refer to ‘parents' throughout this leaflet, it is of course quite possible that only one parent will be available to you. There will be other situations when they may already know of the death, but they will still need appropriate care and understanding.
TCF is an organisation of bereaved parents providing support and understanding to other bereaved parents and their families. The child (or children) may have been of any age, including adult, and death may have been from any cause - illness, unknown natural causes, accident, drug abuse, homicide or suicide. TCF also provides help and advice to many professional organisations working with the surviving relatives, and is currently involved in several Police Family Liaison Officer training courses. Input from a TCF member to these courses offers a particular insight into the handling of these difficult situations. Members' experiences have been used to provide the material in this leaflet.
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One of the most difficult and distressing tasks you will have to face is breaking the news to parents of their child's death. In many instances this will come as a devastating shock, and they will be totally unprepared. This will be a tragedy that will change the lives of all members of a family for ever. How you treat them in the early moments and hours of their grief will have a lasting impact. You will have to cope with any reaction, ranging through disbelief, shock, anger, violence, silence or questions from either or both of the parents.
Whenever possible, the parents should be told together. Sometimes the father is told on his own, in an effort to ‘protect' the mother, but this rarely does anything but add to the distress of both parents. One of the parents may be temporarily absent and you will have to decide how best he or she is to be told the bad news.
Though, as a police officer, you recognise that when called to a sudden death you will need to be alert to the possibility of a crime, this may be the last thing in the parents' minds, so sensitivity is called for in both words and actions when enquiries are being made.
Some police officers speak first to a neighbour to confirm that they are approaching the right family, or to gain information about them in order to decide how best to break the news. If you need to do this, do not reveal the bad news to the neighbour. The families may not know one another well or may not like each other. It is better to ask the parents later if they would like a particular friend or neighbour to be informed.
You may have to go to a workplace to inform a parent. You should ask the management for a private room where you can break the news. They may be able to provide a sympathetic member of staff who can help with any work-related arrangements when you have to take the parent home.
You should introduce yourself> when you call, explain that you are bringing bad news and ask if you may come in. The parents should then be told gently, but clearly and directly, that their child has died. Do not rush the news; give them time to digest it. Whenever possible this should be in private and with everyone sitting down. Avoid ‘de-personalising' the dead child by using such expressions as ‘the deceased', ‘the body' or ‘the remains'. Use the child's name, or ‘your son' or ‘your daughter'. While it is not helpful to use euphemisms such as ‘passed away', it is also unhelpful to be too detailed in explaining what has happened, especially in the early stages. Remarks such as ‘You've got other children' and ‘Keep your chin up' are also very unhelpful.
If you do not know the answers to their questions, tell the parents you will find out and let them know - and then do so. Take extreme care when dealing with cases of suspected homicide or suicide. Do not use either of those words. It is the Coroner's job to decide on this.
Some parents may welcome a little time on their own after you have told them, others may welcome your presence and practical support - a cup of tea or coffee, is there anyone you can 'phone for them (relatives, doctor, clergy)? Do ask.
Other children in the family need consideration. Avoid frightening younger children, or over-burdening older ones (‘Be a man', or ‘Your parents need you to look after them'). This can cause them to bottle up their own grief, leading to more difficult problems later on. If there are children at school and the parents feel unable to collect them, perhaps you could telephone the school, or a friend, and arrange for the children to be brought home without telling them that their brother or sister has died.
Write down any information or details you are giving the parents. Most people are very shocked at this time and unable to retain details given to them verbally. Leave your name, telephone number and shift times clearly available for them; they may want to ring and ask questions later. Though nearly all parents recall vividly the emotional response of the police officer (and may even remember verbatim what was said at the time), memory of practical points may be hazy or missed altogether. Try to ensure that a parent is not left alone when you leave the house, unless they specifically request this.
If the parents have to go to identify their son or daughter, it is best that they do not have to drive themselves, and they will need transport home again after the identification. If you or a colleague are unable to do this, then a relative or friend may be available. Unless there is any evidential reason to prevent it, allow the parents to see, touch and hold their child if they want to. They may not know that they can do this or be afraid to ask; leave them to be on their own with their child if they want this.
If it is not necessary for the parents to identify their child at the place where he or she died, they should be told that they can see him or her in the mortuary, at a time suitable to them and arranged with the police and the mortuary staff. If it is necessary to move the child's body, perhaps from a local hospital to a mortuary with special facilities, it is important to do so with careful regard to the feelings of the parents, in a dignified and respectful way.
Parents have the right to see their child's body. Most want to and are helped by having done so, but there should be discussions first, and no assumptions made. Try to describe any visible injuries so that the parents know what to expect. If their child's face, or parts of the body, are badly injured, the parents may still want to see and touch some other part. It is each parent's own decision whether or not to see their child. They may also wish to visit the place where their child died; it would be helpful if you could arrange this.
The child's clothes and belongings must be handled with respect. Some parents will want to have these as soon as possible (as long as they are not needed as evidence), others may prefer to arrange for someone else to collect them on their behalf, or may not wish to receive them back. Discuss with them what they want and whether or not they wish the clothes to be cleaned before returning. Don't rush this process, give them time if they need it. Try to give parents notification that belongings are to be returned, and never put them into a plastic rubbish bag.
Remember that you are talking about the parents' loved son or daughter. Whatever the parents' life-style, they are going to experience intense and devastating pain at your news. Avoid implying any criticism of their child. Compassion, care and concern are needed now; with these you can be a great support to the parents at the most difficult time in their lives. Give them all your attention, and as much time as you are able. Follow-up enquiries should, if possible, involve the same officers who have been in contact with the family; some families are glad to welcome ‘their' police officer back.
If there is an Inquest (or, in Scotland, a Fatal Incident Inquiry), be sensitive to the seating positions in court. Parents should not have to sit facing or beside the person who is allegedly responsible for their child's death.
If you are attending after a cot-death, visit the baby's bedroom sensitively and, unless you have a very sound reason, do not separate the parents. Explain that you are acting for the Coroner (or, in Scotland, the Procurator Fiscal), to complete the necessary enquiries. Among cot deaths, less than half of one percent prove to be non-accidental.
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During your time as a police officer, you may have to deliver news of the death of a son or daughter, and we hope that this leaflet will be helpful to you. We hope also that supervising officers will allow their officers time to stay in touch with the family after the message has been delivered. It is not ‘soft' or ‘unprofessional' to feel and to show genuine emotional response during or after this difficult duty, and officers should not be thought to be so by their colleagues or supervisors. It does not weaken an individual's professionalism to offer a touch, a hug, or even to shed tears.
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