How To Help Yourself Through The Holidays
From Victoria Hospice,  British Columbia

For many people the most difficult holiday of the year is Christmas.  This day, more than any other, can mean “family together”.  At this time you will be acutely aware of the voids in your life.  You may find yourself wishing to go straight from December 24 to December 26;  it is hard to continually hear Christmas carols playing and people saying “Merry Christmas”, or to see the perfect gift and realize the person is no longer alive to enjoy it.

Here are some suggestions that may help to make your holiday season a little easier.

  *  Family gatherings may be extremely difficult.  Be honest with each  other about your feelings; sit down and decide what you all want to do for the holiday season.  Don’t set expectations too high for yourself or other family members on that day.

 * There is no right or wrong way to handle the day.  Some people prefer to follow family traditions, while others decide to change them – it may help to do things just a little differently.  Remember, what you choose to do this time can always be changed next year.

 *  Be careful of “shoulds” – it is better to do what feels best for you and your family, not what you or others think you should do.  Give yourself permission to not do things.  Once you have decided how your family will handle the holidays, let others know.

 *  Do the Christmas preparations that you enjoy and look for alternatives for those you don’t.  For example, this year you could buy baked goods, let others bake for you or do without.

 *  Holidays are tiring; get lots of rest.  You will need every bit of your strength.

 *  If you decide to decorate your home, let children, other family members or friends help you.  It’s okay to do something different, or to do no decorating at all.

 *  How do you respond to “Merry Christmas”?  You could say “best wishes to you” or “thank you”.  Think of how you might answer ahead of time.

 *  For Christmas dinner, you may decide to visit relatives or friends this year.  If you have dinner at home, try changing the menu, the time or the room.  You may want to be involved in preparing the meal, or not.

 *  Be gentle with yourself and don’t expect too much.  If you cry, don’t let that ruin the day for you.  It may allow others to grieve and feel sad on a ‘happy’ day.

 *  Consider cutting back or not sending Christmas cards this year.  It is not essential to send cards, especially to those people you will see over the holidays.

 *  As the holiday approaches, share you concerns, feelings and apprehensions with someone.  Let them know what is difficult for you; accept their offers of help.  Holidays often magnify feelings of loss; allow yourself to experience the sadness that comes.

 *  Christmas shopping can be upsetting and it may help you to shop early, to shop by telephone and catalogue, or to take along an understanding friend.  Family may be willing to shop for you if they realize how difficult this is for you.

  Often, after the first year of bereavement, people expect you to be “over it”.....you will never be “over it”.  However, most people do find that eventually they are able to enjoy holidays.