After your child dies you are in a stage of shock, as though you were shot out of a cannon and still spinning. You cannot concentrate, think or feel, let alone decide whether or not to celebrate what once were beautiful, happy days. I found that the first two or three holiday seasons tend to be ones of trial and error. I would like to share with you how I handled the first three Christmases and perhaps make your grief a little easier and your holiday burden a little lighter.

I vaguely remember the first Christmas after Karianne died on 12/5/84 in an auto accident. In fact the only thing I DO remember is that Karianne's husband, brought home their beautiful white wedding album. They were married on 08/18/84, just 3 months before her accident. How do you handle such a sad situation when you are supposed to be in a happy holiday mood like everyone else.

The second Christmas, the reality of Karianne not being here and actually having to say the word DIED started to set in. All I wanted to do was avoid the holidays. Family gatherings seemed so hurtful to me. To think she was never going to come home was so hurtful and devastating. I would start imagining her coming home that day, or, perhaps, as a flight attendant, she had to fly that day and we would see her later. I wanted to be there just in case. My sister-in-law came over and hung a wreath on our
front door to help "instill some spirit of Christmas" in me. Incidentally, decorating was out for me. That year we went to my son, Lenny's, home in Maryland, but as welcome as they made us feel, something was missing. I missed the busyness and I was longing for the Christmases we had all the years before.

The third year, I knew two things (1) 1 did not want to be at home alone with time to think, and (2) I did not feel like getting into the happy mood of going somewhere
to celebrate. One evening I asked my daughter, Lisa-Jo and my husband, Len, what they thought about trying to have the holidays at home as before. Lisa-Jo's eyes lit up and she said "Oh, Mom, you mean we're going to be "NORMAL" again and celebrate the holidays like everybody else?" She got caught up with the thought of being "NORMAL" and anxiously said, "I'll trim the tree and I'll bake the cookies and help you bake the turkey." "We'll buy something to put under the tree for Karianne. " It made me realize that I do not have Karianne in person, and I'll always miss and think of her, but I realized that I am indeed fortunate to love and have my other three children and seven grandchildren. It made me realize they were suffering, too, and how important they were to me. All along I was trying to put the holidays out of my mind by not participating in them. But they were all around me anyhow. You cannot run away from your grief. It made me put things in perspective that I had to deal with what happened -I had no choice.

I made a commitment in 1986 to love and enjoy my family while I have them and they still have me. To let them know I love them. We can still love Karianne and include her in our holiday conversations. This Year one of our gifts for her will be an ANGEL CANDLE like the one we used on the altar at Lisa-Jo's wedding.

Another thing we have been doing. We have made our Christmas tree into a Strawberry Shortcake Tree (Karianne was the official Strawberry Shortcake Doll that entertained all over the U.S. and on TV). American Greetings gave us some Strawberry Shortcake ornaments and it has become a special tree for all of us
It is '.like she is still with us. Sometimes we even laugh as we remember how Karianne would mischievously -- something something funny or dance around the room singing and acting silly while we trimmed the tree. It may sound crazy to nonbereaved parents, but it had a very comforting feeling to us.

Do You Celebrate The Holidays - Or Not?
Do what you feel is comfortable for you. There will be many such turning points as you work your way forward Maybe, like me, next year you can try another way. Do not feel you have to decide now for the rest of your life. Grief is a process and we are changed and will continue to change from to time. As you go through each holiday, each season, each happy-sad occasion, you will gain strength and grow.

In memory of Karianne Baklarz Gleason's Anniversay
12/05/84 and for her inspiration in helping me get to
this point by her Mom, Anne Baklarz, Pgh., PA TCF Editor

~reprinted from Pittsburgh PA TCF Newsletter Dec/Jan 2003