A father's grief

Are fathers different in grief?

The short answer is: no. The problems start with other people and their expectations of what is the ‘correct' form for grief to take. Traditionally, these expectations differ for men and women: women can cry in public, but men must control themselves.

Grief shows itself in many different forms: anger, hurt, guilt, despair. There is no set order for these feelings. Sometimes one feeling takes over and dominates all others. It would be unusual for a father and a mother always to be in the same mood, at the same intensity of grief. This can create problems when one partner feels the other is insensitive to his or her feelings. We will be reacting at different times and in different ways to the varied and complex emotions we are each experiencing. We need to appreciate our partner's pain and remember that this is not a competition to see who can grieve the more.

How then are we going to cope with those around us? We are bombarded with strange and painful emotions. Friends and workmates either avoid us or give unhelpful advice on how we should be conducting ourselves. Faced with a bereaved parent, many people feel the need to offer advice and this is when “Time heals” and “You have to be strong for your family” are trotted out. It seems that it has become our job to educate them into dealing with our grief.

Our child's mother

Both of us need to share feelings; both need to cry. You may be compelled, or wish, to go back to work, so there will be time when you are apart. Your partner may feel resentment that you have this outlet away from home where you can ‘get on' without the constant reminders of the death. In turn, you may feel that you are having the harder job by trying to concentrate on your work whilst you are all the time thinking of your loss. Alternatively, she may be the breadwinner and you the househusband, so these roles and feelings would reverse. In many households, both partners work; this could produce yet another set of problems. It is worth making an effort to communicate and to give each other space. (See TCF leaflet Grieving couples.)

Some marriages and relationships are broken by a child's death, but often your partner is the strongest ally you have in surviving the loss of your child. She knows only too well what you are going through, and very few others can give you this understanding.

Fathers at home

Some fathers do not go out to work. We may find it impossible to return to the same job. We may be unemployed, disabled or retired, or may choose to work from home. We will then be around the house for much of the day and this could put extra strain upon us and upon our relationship.

Fathers alone

If we are fathers whose wife or partner has left us – separation, divorce, death – then we have even more worries to cope with. We may have no adult to share our pain with. Our everyday problems, other children to school, housework, shopping, holding down a job, are made that much harder to cope with.

Our surviving children

Our children will need special care and love. They have lost their brother or sister and need to express their own grief in their own way. Our other children are helped when we talk about their dead brother or sister, and when we include them in the discussions about the funeral and other things.

Christmas and birthdays still have to be celebrated, even though it could be the last thing we want to do. Children may misinterpret what they see and hear. If their mother expresses her grief more freely than their father, they may worry that he is not grieving as deeply. They may also fear that he loves them less than does the mother. We need to help them in any way we can. Their father can show his love just by being with them.

Our surviving children need us, and we need them.

Work

If we are fortunate, our employers will let us ease back into work and ask colleagues to take some of the burden. However, even with the most enlightened employer, this will not last forever. In the majority of cases, after the initial, and usually embarrassed, expressions of sympathy, we will be expected to get back to full speed and accept all the stresses that work brings nowadays.

There is no easy way out of this. We may be in a highly competitive workplace, and colleagues may, unconsciously or otherwise, use our grieving state to their advantage. However, there may be a workmate who is unexpectedly sympathetic to our grief. He or she might be able to act as a bridge to other colleagues by talking to them about our feelings and what they could do and say. They will all be feeling anxious about upsetting us when in fact we desperately need to talk about our dead child.

Leisure

We may need to rethink our leisure activities. Some of us may be anxious about being left alone and would prefer to share activities. Others need time and space for themselves. There may be family activities which have to continue, however hard they may be. These may change as time progresses.

Legal matters

Not many children die leaving a Will. If you are the next of kin, you may be the one to carry out the complex and time-consuming legal formalities. This is stressful at the best of times, but your grief will make it even more difficult. You will most probably need a solicitor if there is a Will.