It all began ten years ago when a heart-wrenching telephone call plunged my family and me into the ranks of bereaved parents and siblings. Our 21-year-old daughter, Candice, had been in a horrible car accident, which took her life. She had decided to travel to the Dominican Republic to spend a year serving as a missionary. Less than three months following her arrival, her car was hit by some construction equipment driven
by an unlicensed construction worker.

I experienced so many feelings and experiences in the early days of acute grief. Not only was it unreal, but the excruciating pain was like nothing I'd ever felt. My thoughts about her and our life together brought buckets of tears. I thought it was never going to stop hurting. I could not remember anything, including the name of the street leading to my house. I was so disorganized starting one task after another and never completing anything. Concentration was nonexistent. I would read and reread every line and still could not remember what I had read one sentence later. I also had many fears about everything and everybody. I was especially afraid for our surviving son; he might die also. I didn't want to let him out of my sight. He pleaded with me to stop worrying so much. Oh yes, the death-wish was also real in the early days. I did not want to
live without Kandy. It was only through the realization of the additional pain my death would cause our son that I decided to try to live. For a while I was angry with my daughter for dying. How could she just go off and leave us---didn't she know we would be devastated'? I was also angry at the world for continuing to move on. Didn't the world know my daughter had died'?

I have learned to cope with our daughter's death by working very hard at it. Initially, I read every book I could find about grief and loss especially those written by bereaved parents. And I joined a support group The Compassionate Friends. After approximately two years of support from the group, I became more active and began to reach out to other bereaved parents. Three years later I established a local chapter of TCF in the
District of Columbia.

In my personal life, my focus has been to keep Kandy's memory alive. One of the first ways we accomplished that was to establish a scholarship in her memory. This has been tremendously therapeutic for my husband and me. We now have eight Candice M. Ruff scholars who are all recipients of the scholarship. Annually, we share the wonderful memories of our daughter with these young people.

I continue to grieve the death of my daughter years later, but it is not the acute grief I experienced those first years. It is now more like a constant dull ache that is always there, no matter how hard I try to ignore it. Some days I can almost forget about it, but not for long.  Her absence is always there.

Have I healed, found closure, and resolved her death'? I like to think that I am in the process of healing. I refer to it as "retrospective healing" because it has been very subtle. It is only in retrospect that I can see the tremendous amount of healing that has indeed occurred. It is also active healing, where I have had to take active steps to initiate and maintain the healing process. I have found that time alone does not promote healing.

Yes, I continue to think of my child, all the time. I never think, "Oh, I am still grieving." I do notice how much it still hurts. Sometimes when I laugh it is almost an effort to do more than pay lip service to being happy. Grief is always there hovering in the shadows, waiting to rear its ugly head. For instance, I attended a wedding of a dear friend's daughter. I survived the ceremony but grief set in and I cried the entire reception. One author has referred to this kind of grief experience as shadow grief and another calls it a grief attack.

Although I am never without missing my daughter, ten years later, I have found peace. I am not the same person I was prior to Kandy's death; I have changed in so many ways. I cry at different things-like weddings, or a song that reminds me of our daughter. And now I find that I get impatient when hearing adults talk about petty events.

I have found satisfaction in keeping her memory alive. I talk about her whenever I have the opportunity. In addition to the annual scholarship, I periodically hold a memorial birthday party. I write about my griefjourney, and have arranged to have a memory quilt made that depicts her life in her T-shirts and photos. Finally, I planned and implemented a grief and loss seminar for nursing students at Howard University. In one year
the seminar has grown from 5 to 22 students. It has now been offered for three years and 152 students have completed the course. My students give numerous testimonials of how beneficial the course has been to them personally. These activities have not only been therapeutic for me but also beneficial to others. For now my life's work focuses on providing support and education during bereavement.

I have accepted the fact that I am a different, but not necessarily better person now. The "new me" is continuing to evolve. I know that I am getting better because I don't hurt as badly or for as long a time. My crying episodes, when they occur, are short-lived.

I don't believe I have completely healed nor do I feel I will ever completely heal. "Closure" and "resolution" are not terms I use in relation to grief in my daughter's death. I will never have closure. I will always miss her physical presence. I have reached a point, though, where life is good again. Reaching out to other bereaved families, especially those grieving the loss of a child, has been a big part of that.

Coralease C. Ruff, RN, is a Bereavement Facilitator and a
frequent presenter on grief issues locally and nationally. She
started a TCF chapter in Washington, DC and served as its
chapter leader for five years. Coralease was chair of the
Professional Day for the Washington/Virginia National
Conference, and is currently a member of the TCF Board
of Directors.

~reprinted from We Need Not Walk Alone National TCF Magazine Summer 2006