Shadow Grief is a facet of grief that will stay with you for the rest of your life. When your grief is triggered at various and often random times by a smell, a certain time of day, specific places or events... this is called “shadow grief.”

Parents who have lost a child will experience shadow grief for as long as they live. It can be overwhelming to experience these episodes of grief months and years after the loss that feel almost as intense and deep as they did when the loss was new.

The types of triggers and our responses to them are as varied as we are. Anniversaries of your child’s birth and death, your due date, the day you learned that something might be wrong with your baby, your doctor’s office, holidays and other family traditions can often be painful triggers. Fortunately, the anxiety and anticipation that build in our minds as we lead up to certain anniversaries is usually worse than the actual event turns out to be. It can be helpful to plan ahead if you know a certain trigger of yours is looming on the calendar. Planning a way to remember your baby, privately or with family and friends can be especially healing.

There will also be times when you are feeling especially low and depressed, and do not realize until much later that you were experiencing shadow grief. You might find that in time your eye is not watching the calendar so closely, and suddenly a meaningful date arrives, for example. Although your awareness might not be focused upon the event, your subconscious
remembers for you, and your body will feel the impact of this grief.

Allow yourself the time and space to feel your feelings. Communicate to those close to you that you are having a rough day. There is no right or wrong way to experience grief.

© 2006 Corinne O'Flynn. Originally published for Rowan Tree Foundation at www.rowantreefoundation.org

~reprinted from Denver Front Range Chapters July 2006 Newsletter