Living with grief

"Grief is the price we pay for love."
Colin Murray Parkes

This quote, very appropriate when we face the loss of one of our elderly relatives or friends, brings little comfort when our child dies. We are in a state of shock and numbness that is gradually overtaken by the pain of grief. As well as deep sadness, we may feel anger, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, apathy and despair. Our preoccupation with thoughts of our dead child can make us think that we are going mad. Sometimes we engage in restless over-activity and suffer from exhaustion. Sleep and appetite patterns are disturbed. We may feel helpless, confused and out of control. All of these feelings are perfectly normal. Every bereaved parent goes through some, or even all, of these experiences at different times; some may be more troubling than others.

Individuals grieve differently. There is no timetable for grief and, initially, even survival seems impossible. Grief is not orderly or progressive: it pours in with great turmoil, and is not predictable in its timing or intensity. It comes in waves and often feels utterly overwhelming. Gradually, however, the interval between the waves extends, and very slowly some of the grief and pain begins to abate.

Facing the pain of grief takes courage. We need to talk about our child's life and the circumstances of the death. There are good memories to be shared, but most of us, at first, are devastated by the unfulfilled dreams and shattered hopes. We must find ways of expressing emotions and coping with them. Grief's emotions can often feel unmanageable, but, at these times, it can help to allow ourselves and others to cry, not bottling up our feelings. None of us expects that our son or daughter will die before us. The worst thing that any parent can imagine has happened, and grief is our right as well as our burden.

Almost every parent feels a sense of guilt when their child dies. We can feel guilty over things we have done or not done, said or not said to our child. We may blame ourselves over the cause of death - for example, letting our child have a car, go backpacking, go swimming, and so on. We may feel that we should not be alive when our child is dead. Whether the death occurred suddenly, or after a long illness, we may torture ourselves with thoughts that we should have taken better care of our child, so that their suffering might have been reduced or death averted.

If you think that you did not do enough for your child, is this how you would judge someone else whose child had died? So often we demand more of ourselves than we expect of other. Almost every parent does the best they can in a situation where there are no rehearsals or second chances. Later we may think that we should have done something differently, but that is with the benefit of hindsight. Perhaps there may be a rational cause for guilt, and professional help may be needed to cope with this situation.

Anger and rage are also part of grief. We may feel angry over the circumstances of our child's death, or with the people involved. We may resent relatives, friends or colleagues for the things they say, or omit to say. We may blame God, and bewail the unfairness of life, asking, "Why did this happen to me?" These feelings are natural: the reversal of normal expectations is shattering. Anger can feel a negative or destructive force, but we can use its power in a positive way.

All of us will experience intense sadness after the death of our child. It settles upon us along with the raging and searching aspects of grief. Then comes the yearning and the realisation of what 'never again' means in our mourning. Some feel a suffocating weight in the chest, or an impenetrable darkness, a grey fog, an absence of colour in everyday things. We are agitated or lethargic, or swing from one to the other, losing interest in everyday tasks and finding it almost impossible to complete them. We may weep constantly - or be quite unable to cry. We seek refuge or oblivion in sleep - only to lie awake hour after hour. Our rest is sometimes disturbed by vivid dreams about our children, and we wake up unrefreshed. Living with grief involves discovering how to handle our constantly changing feelings, finding ways to channel them into activities which release the tension they create.

So what can we do to help ourselves? All that follow are things that we can chooseto do; many of us have work, paid or in the home, that is often used to distract ourselves. Some suggestions which others have found useful include physical activities such as walking, swimming, cycling, dancing and gardening, as well as organised sports. These can aid our general health and well-being. Aromatherapy, massage, reflexology, yoga, or t'ai chi are relaxing. Creative pursuits such as writing, drawing, painting, sewing, crafts, cooking and music-making can occupy the mind. (See The Compassionate Friends(TCF) leaflet The creative use of grief. Reading, listening to music, solving crosswords or other puzzles improve our concentration. Some of us find it therapeutic to write down our thoughts and feelings, even if the pages are torn up later. Being able to talk freely to a sympathetic friend is very reassuring, especially when we have bad days. Joining classes, finding part-time or voluntary work, campaigning or fund-raising for charity can help us to adjust to life after the death of our child.

The stress of our child's death can leave us vulnerable to infection and illness. To counteract this we need to be aware of our diet and the need for rest. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, healing begins to take place. There are brief moments of enjoyment - and these are often followed by overwhelming guilt. We need not feel disloyal to our child when we begin to laugh again.

In the early days, many bereaved parents find unexpected meetings difficult. It can be beneficial to change our routines, so that we are less likely to encounter people who know us - shopping at a supermarket further away from home, or attending different classes or clubs, for example. We must not feel that we have to go to social occasions, such as parties at work: the small talk often revolves around family life, with people that we know, and a frequent question from people to whom we have not spoken before is, "How many children have you got?" (Do we include our dead child in the number that we answer?) Other people will think that they know what is good for "taking us out of ourselves", but we know better! Self-preservation is the keyword. Adjustment means gradual integration of our child's death into our lives. We will never be the same again: some friends will be lost to us, and new ones will be made. We will always love and remember our son or daughter, but the memories and photographs that so upset us in the early days will become a comfort, and make us smile as well as weep.

Family and friends generally rally round at first to help us bereaved parents through our grief. However, as time passes, they may not be able to continue their support, or they think they have given sufficient comfort, and it is here that TCF serves its unique purpose - to provide a safe place for parents to talk about their children, of their life and death.

One of the most difficult things for us as parents is to see the effect of grief upon others in the family. It is not easy to support them while coping with our own grief. TCF has produced leaflets to help understand these situations: for example, for grieving couples, siblings and grandparents.

Some parents have a religious faith which can be of immeasurable support to them at this time; others find that they now question long-held beliefs. Some discover a faith and others work out their own understanding of the meaning of life and death.

Can it be possible to move forward after enduring the death of our beloved child? Yes, indeed, it is possible, after such a traumatic happening, to weave that experience into our lives, but it will take many months, or probably years. It will eventually be possible to use our child's possessions with warm and loving memories; we will be able to resume social activities, and go on holiday again. However, we will have changed, our lives have changed, and we will now find that we have a different perspective on what we feel is important to ourselves and our families.