A Grieving Father Looks At Mother's Day

Will the circle be unbroken by and by, Lord, by and by? Maybelle Carter

On Sunday, May 13, 2001, religious and secular institutions across our western hemisphere will celebrate Mother's Day. Corporate America will eagerly open its arms, that is its doors, to embrace Mom with sales. Florists will be working over time to insure that floral bouquets arrive on time. Restaurants will be offering special Mother's Day meals so families can honor mom by eating out. In synagogues, temples, and places of worship, mothers will be honored in a variety of ways. There will be silent, invisible mothers on that day. They will go unrecognized for the most part. They will be generally unnoticed. They will even be ignored. They are the grieving mothers.

For them, the day is not a celebration, but endurance. Mother's Day changes completely for them after the death of a child. The pain is a pain only another grieving mother can relate too. All of the imagery that is conjured up doesn't necessarily help either The pages of the hymnbook flutter with the images of a mother and her children Read the titles of the songs as you flip the pages: "My Mother's Old Bible Is True," "Will The Circle Be Unbroken?," " Mother's Prayers Have Followed Me," and, "Are All The Children In?" Religious guidebooks and holy texts are filled with thousands of references and pictures of mothers nurturing their children.

This motherly lode is central to all the religions of the world. The implied message is that a mother's love for her children is a bond quite unlike any other. So the death of a child, to them, must feel quite unlike any other loss. These wonderful words and images which are meant to comfort, end up tormenting them

I write this column as a grieving father. I share my insights from my personal experiences and my readings on child-loss. But a lot of my education has come from the truest source off all, my foreverbest friend, Debby. She has taught me that a mother's pain is so inexplicable, except to other grieving mothers, because when their child dies, a unique bond is broken. I cannot understand this bond, because like all Dads I am an outside observer so many times in the birthing process. But I do know that this bond exists. My many hours of watching The Discovery Channel and Animal Planet with my son, Carl, taught me one lesson, nature's lesson. Never mess with mothers. There's a reason why mother bears have notorious reputations. They fiercely protect their young.

There is a deep, mysterious, and unique relationship that a mother has with her child. Pregnancy is the start of a bond, which men cannot fully understand. The intricacies of feeding, nurturing, male experience. It just boggles my mind that my wife did all those jobs 24 hours a day, and still worked a regular job too. Fathers are sort of detached observers in the birth process. Mothers are participants in the clearest meaning of the word Their bodies work all day and night. They feel the movements of the new life within them. endure the hardships and sicknesses. Go through intense ups and downs. Live with the sheer terror of the unknown. Mix all these ingredients together and the result becomes a spiritual umbilical cord of great durability between a mother and the new life within her.

Nothing can sever that cord. It survives all the troubles and turmoil in life that children can bring Nothing can break through that cord. Nothing, that is, except a child's untimely death. Now, I am trying to understand all of this in my finite, male mind, and frankly, I can't. I can't begin to understand a mother's keen sense of suffering when a child dies. I am left only to my inadequate imagination of her emptiness within. I caught glimpses of this suffering watching Debby sob and repeatedly cry out, "I can't protect him anymore! I can't comfort him anymore. I can't treat his hurts anymore!"

Truly, a big part of a mother dies when her, child dies. I share these thoughts with grieving family members and friends so there can be some sort of understanding. Mother's Day will never be the same If it is a first time after the passing of young one, anxiety and grief will be severe, frequent, and intense. Expect those feelings, but they will also pass. Here are some suggestions, which come from grief counselors and experienced grieving parents.

Keep the level of anxiety and anticipation low

Let the grieving mother set the tone for the day.

Let it be her day to observe in her fashion

Have a plan for the day It can be the simplest of plans, and it should be. Elaborate plans can cause
more grief, not less.

Communicate the family plans with all family members and friends. Be assertive. Stick to those plans. If a quiet day is needed, do it. If many friends
and family are the answer, do it.

Words can hurt or heal. So choose the words of encouragement wisely. Resolve to be a good listener that day.

Remember that the best gift to give to a grieving mother can't be bought. It is priceless. It can't be wrapped. It is too immense. That gift is you. Now, I close with something for all you precious, compassionate mothers. Please be good to yourselves, you have surely earned it.

-Aaron Pueschel

~reprinted from TCF Mercer Chapter Newsletter