Ashley’s 22nd Birthday

It’s March 30th but there is no birthday cake, no birthday presents, no birthday party and worst of all there is no birthday girl to celebrate her 22nd birthday with. The only thing I can do is put balloons on Ashley’s marker and bench. Ashley’s life was taken away from us by a reckless driver October 27, 2002. The last time I got to celebrate my little girl’s birthday on earth was her 18th birthday. I still am having a hard time believing Ashley is gone. I still have so many tears I shed. I thing they should be running out by now but they aren’t they just keep coming.

People look at me and say you look like you’re doing so much better, if only they could see the inside of me. I am torn apart. I am the same as I was the horrible night of October 27, 2002 the night I founded out my daughter Ashley was killed. My heart is totally broken apart.

I want to say how am I supposed to look, but I say nothing. What good would it do? No one wants to know about how you really feel. They think after a few months you should be back to your old self. Your grief should be over. It doesn’t work that way. When you experience the loss of a child your life is changed forever.

No one understands what it’s like to be a bereaved parent except another bereaved parent. I feel like I have to be a closet bereaved parent now and grieve for Ashley in my home by myself with my tears so no one can see me. I also feel that when I go somewhere I shouldn’t tell the truth when people ask how I am doing.  I just say I’m fine and not say I am having a hard day. I am finding more and more as the time goes on and it’s been 3 years and 5 months since my little girl went to Heaven that I have to say I am ok because people expect me to be over the death of my little girl. God, if they only knew how broken I really am and how hard it is to make it through every single day and to even get out of bed and do anything. No other loss is more devastating than the death and physical loss of a child.  No other loss leaves your heart as deeply and mortally wounded for life. No other loss is more difficult to accept. Nothing can touch the pain of burying a child.

 I don’t feel like I have anyone I can talk to any more about Ashley except at TCF. I wonder how in the world I am going to make it everyday without Ashley. I just take each minute as it comes that’s all I can do. I haven’t got to the point where I can think about the future and find the joy people say you find in your life again after losing your child. I don’t know when that times comes. I just know people keep talking about it and that one day you will find it again in your life it may take a lifetime or a few years but joy will eventually return from what I understand.

I have to keep reminding myself frequently that Ashley is alive in Heaven with the Lord and one day I will be with her forever. It does not eliminate my grief by any means or erase any tears but it does make it more bearable to know Ashley never really died she just went to Heaven but I am selfish and I wasn’t ready for her to go. I want her here with me.

Keeping Ashley’s memory alive is a very important part of who I am now. I don’t want anyone to ever forget my child. I want her memory to live on forever and for Ashley to never be forgotten.

I really miss Ashley and Thursday will be a very difficult day, she should be here celebrating her 22nd birthday instead I will be going to the cemetery putting balloons on her grave.

Sandy Lavender

Mom to my Precious Angel
Chris Hull - Brother
Ashley Lauren Hull
3/30/1984 – 10/27/2002
www.geocities.com/ashleylaurenhullpreciousangel