The creative use of grief

Creative activity following bereavement can be very therapeutic and works on several different levels. Creativity encourages us to find ways to express our deepest feelings and helps us to focus on what may be very confused emotions, so that we understand them better. In grief we often feel as if we have lost control over our lives, and the satisfaction gained from the creative process gives us back a sense of achievement and self-worth.

Grief writing seems to fall into two patterns. At first we write for ourselves; these pieces are intense and speak powerfully from the heart. As time passes we find we can write from a calmer standpoint and perhaps to offer explanation, hope and encouragement to others who are struggling through the early stages of bereavement.

Writing a journal or diary for ourselves, painfully telling the truth on paper about all our innermost feelings of grief, can later provide us with a yardstick of this journey through bereavement. Noting down all the details of our dreams about our child can work in much the same way, and can be very precious in the years to come.

Many of us fear that we will forget the small details of our child's life. We can write their story, describing facets of their personality, including the not-so-good ones - we need to remember them as real people, not as impossibly perfect beings. We could make a book of their life, using family memories, photos, schoolwork, drawings, letters and favourite sayings. This may be a good opportunity for grief to be shared with any surviving children, by encouraging them to help compile such an album. Sometimes it can help to write about the child's death, the days before the burial or cremation, the funeral and the days afterwards. We can record who was there, how others helped, who brought flowers and gifts.

A great deal of pent-up emotions can be released by writing a letter to the dead child, saying what we wish we had or hadn't done, or said, before they died. We can tell them we love them, and will always do so, and we can use this opportunity to say the hardest word of all, "Goodbye".

It can be helpful too to write letters to friends or other TCF members. Even if we do not send these letters, just getting our feelings down on paper can be enough. The shedding of tears in this expression of love for our son or daughter is very restorative too.

Poetry has a special place in creative writing. Very complex feelings can be distilled into a few lines of pure emotion and the concentration and creative effort involved can be very liberating - we can unlock our deep inner anguish through words and capture a special sort of tranquility. People who have never written poetry before may find this a surprisingly natural and spontaneous outlet for their grief.

Writing articles for the TCF newsletter, the church magazine or other local publications can also help to focus our minds on different aspects of bereavement; in this way we communicate with others and develop new insights into our own situation.

Music has always had the power to bring emotion to the surface, and for those whose talents lie in that direction a great deal of solace can be found in playing an instrument, and perhaps composing unique pieces in memory of the dead child. Music is something we can share with others both in the making and the enjoying of it. This sharing can help to reconnect us to the wider world. Dancing in any of its forms (country, line, circle, for example) can be very therapeutic.

Gardening works well on several levels; straightforward physical effort helps to release tensions and the simple act of helping things to grow involves us once more in the cycle of the seasons. Creating a special place in a garden is one of the most popular ways of remembering our children, and symbolic plants like snowdrops (usually the first frail flower to emerge after the chill of winter), forget-me-nots, rosemary (for remembrance), pansies (from the French pensées, thoughts) and TCF roses are often used. A piece of trailing ivy, taken from a basket of flowers sent in sympathy, can cover a garden wall in a few years, and is a constant reminder of the thoughtfulness of friends. Building a small memorial cairn in a place important to the child's life can be very significant, as others can place their own stones in memory when they visit.

A collection of mementoes , photos, drawings, letters and other memorabilia of a young person's life can make a special talking point for family and visitors alike. They can be made into a wall-collage, or displayed in a wall cabinet or glass-topped coffee table. A memory box can serve much the same purpose, and could be more suitable for a baby or small child, for whom the parents have fewer physical reminders, containing toys, photos, small garments, a lock of hair or a toddler's first drawings. The outside could be decorated with paper, fabric or paints.

Some bereaved parents with artistic talents find their own peace and fulfilment in painting , or sketching in the countryside. The total absorption needed in this occupation can give our minds a welcome break from the strenuous business of grieving. Art can be combined with craftsmanship too to produce special anniversary cards for other TCF parents, in much the same way as for example candles, bookmarks, or picture frames. Those with a special skill could use this talent to produce something of lasting significance in their child's memory, for example a bookbinder may bind their collection of poems, both as a tribute to the child and a symbol of the passage of that stage of their grief.

A memory patchwork quilt or wall-hanging could be undertaken as a group or school project. A TCF group could design its own quilt with a square for each child, perhaps made from their clothing or fabric from their room, and embroidered with their name.

Some people find that certain types of cooking bring peace, especially the making of bread. The physical handling of the dough and the patience needed to wait for the dough to rise seem to have a healing effect. The warm smell of baking bread has been described by some as the first return of pleasure to the senses. The making of a family meal together can be a gentle way of spending time with children or friends.

It might be a unique token of care and concern to offer to redecorate the room of a surviving sibling, to reassure them of their continued importance within the family. Planning what would give them most enjoyment and comfort could bring parents and child together at a very vulnerable time. Other rooms in the house may well be in need of treatment too!

Some people find that investing their energies in relationships with other people in the community can take them out of themselves and help them return to the reality of everyday life. To pick up the threads of our involvement with our child's friends brings a great deal of pain and heartache, on both sides; in time, however, the friendship and companionship of these young people who were so closely interwoven with our child's life can bring unexpected warmth and comfort.

Fundraising for TCF, or for organisations or causes related to our child's death, can be a very valuable and positive way of channelling the energies we often find in bereavement.

Whether or not our chosen creative activity is connected with our child's life or death, we will have become more in touch with our own feelings, we will have grown in self-confidence and we will have gained a great deal of satisfaction from our achievement.