Many people question what life will be like as the years go by and to what degree they can expect to heal after the loss of a child. I, too, asked those questions and searched for seasoned bereaved parents to give me answers. There are no clear answers because each person's experience is different with various time frames for healing. Grief doesn't heal overnight, especially when it's the loss of a child. It moves slowly back and forth along a path where you often stumble over the boulders in the midst of the path or get caught in the deep ruts along the way. One way to look at the grief journey is to imagine that path with percentage markers. When you initially step on the healing path, you are at the 0 percent marker experiencing overwhelming emotional distress and looking down this seemingly insurmountable road.

Over time, you inch your way along the path, often taking a few steps forward and a few steps back but continue to make progress as you reach the 30, 40, and on up to the 80 or 90 percent of your healing. The healing journey is anything but a steady and linear process, sometimes taking two steps forward and perhaps even falling back into the deep, dark pit you visited before and come to know so well. Sometimes it may even seem deeper and darker than before and you may feel as if you are getting nowhere with your healing. Other times you feel a subtle shift in your healing and find yourself at a new place along the path. The process is similar to climbing a mountain and as you make your way up the trail, you find yourself at a new height, which allows for a different perspective than if you had looked down on your grief journey from a lower elevation of the mountain. You may wonder if you will ever make it to 100%. The answer is no. Most people can expect to reach about the 80- 90% marker on the path. The last 10-20% of the healing path represents your sacred grief where you hold your loving memories and the tender part of your remaining sadness and sorrow. It's also the part that tugs gently on your heart on holidays, birthdays, anniversary days and the like or feels the sadness and lump in your throat when you hear a favorite song on the radio or you see a child that reminds you of your child. That last 10-20% is the part to hold dear and to be cherished. Knowing that grief is never truly over, it can give you a sense of freedom that there is a piece of your grief which you will carry throughout the rest of you life but realize it's that part which you can now comfortably manage. What's different at the 80-90% marker on the path is that it's more like a gentle tug rather than a stabbing pain in your heart. It's also the place where you learn to integrate the loss into your life; transform the grief and develop a new spiritual connection with your child.

It would be unrealistic to fully “get over,” completely “resolve” or “let go” of your child. We are only humans who have suffered a traumatic loss of a child with whom we had a physical connection and now search for ways to continue that attachment in a spiritual sense. I still live with my own 10-20% of my grief. I cherish that part which periodically brings me closer to my son but doesn't completely knock me off my feet or leave me emotionally paralyzed.

Pamela Leonhardt, PsyD, is a Psychologist in private practice in Boulder and bereaved mother to Angel Child, Michael (12/2/76 - 7/14/98).

She can be reached at

~reprinted from Denver Area TCF June 2005 Newsletter