In his beautiful book, "A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis described his experience after the death of his wife. He wrote, “An odd byproduct of my loss is that I'm aware of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet. Perhaps the bereaved ought to be isolated in special settlements like lepers.”
As he says, society often tends to make mourners feel intense shame and embarrassment about feelings of grief. I'm not surprised that the most often-asked question I get from bereaved people is, “Am I crazy?”

Shame can be described as the feeling that something you are doing is bad, and you may feel that if you mourn, then you should be ashamed. If, on the other hand, you are perceived as “doing well” with your grief, you are considered “strong” and “under control.” The message is that the well-controlled person stays rational at all times.

Combined with this message is another one. Society erroneously implies that if you, as a grieving person, openly express your feelings of grief, you are immature. If your feelings are fairly intense, you may be labeled “overly emotional.” If your feelings are extremely intense, you may even be referred to as “crazy” or a “pathological mourner.”

This article addresses this frequent question: Am I crazy? Feelings of disorganization and confusion that often come about when we mourn the death of someone loved may make us feel like we're going crazy, but we're not. Here's why.

Disorganization, Confusion, Searching, Yearning
Perhaps the most isolating and frightening part of your grief journey is the sense of disorganization, confusion, searching and yearning that often comes with the loss. These experiences frequently arise when you begin to be confronted with the reality of the death. As
one grieving person said, “I felt as if I were a lonely traveler with no companion and worse yet, no destination. I couldn't find myself or anybody else.”

This dimension of grief may cause the “going crazy” syndrome. In grief, thoughts and behaviors are different from what you normally experience. It's only natural that you may not know if your thoughts, feelings and behaviors are normal or abnormal. The experiences described below are common after a death. A major goal of this article is to simply validate these experiences so you will know you are not crazy!

After the death of someone loved, you may feel a sense of restlessness, agitation, impatience and ongoing confusion. It's like being in the middle of a wild, rushing river where you can't get a grasp on anything. Disconnected thoughts race through your mind, and strong emotions may be overwhelming. You may express disorganization and confusion in your inability to complete any tasks. You may start a project but be unable to finish it.

You may be forgetful and ineffective at work. Early morning and late at night are times when you may feel most disoriented and confused. These feelings are often accompanied by fatigue and lack of initiative. Everyday pleasures may not seem to matter anymore.

You may also experience a restless searching for the person who has died. Yearning and preoccupation with memories can leave you feeling drained. Yes, the work of mourning is draining. It often leaves you feeling wiped out.

You might even experience a shift in perception; other people may begin to resemble the person who died. You might be at a shopping mall, look down a hallway and think you catch a glimpse of the person you loved so much. Or you might see a car go past similar to the car driven by the person who died, and you might find yourself following the car! Sometimes you might hear the garage door or front door open and the footsteps of the person who died entering the house as he or she had done so many times in the past. If these experiences are happening to you, remember you are not crazy!

Other common experiences during this time include difficulties with eating and sleeping. You may experience a loss of appetite, or find yourself overeating. Even when you do eat, you may be unable to taste the food. Difficulty in going to sleep and early morning awakening also are common experiences associated with this dimension of grief.

You might find it helpful to remember that disorganization following loss always comes before any kind of re-orientation. Some people will try to have you bypass any kind of disorganization or confusion. Remember, it simply cannot be done. While it may seem strange, keep in mind that your disorganization and confusion are actually stepping stones on your path toward healing.

Self-care Guidelines: If disorganization, confusion, searching and yearning are, or have been, a part of your grief journey, don't worry about the normalcy of your experience. It is critically important to never forget those reassuring words: You are not crazy!

Whenever you feel disoriented, talk to someone who will understand. To heal, grief must be shared outside of yourself. I hope you have at least one person whom you feel understands and will not judge you. That person must be patient and attentive, for you may feel the need to tell your story over and over again as you work to embrace your grief. He or she must be genuinely interested in understanding you. If you are trying to talk about your disorganization and confusion, and the person doesn't want to listen, findsomeone who will.

The thoughts, feelings and behaviors of this dimension of grief do not come all at once. They are often experienced in a wave-like fashion. I hope you have someone to support you through each wave. You may need to talk and cry for long periods of time. At other times, you may just need to be alone.Don't try to interpret what you think and feel. Just experience it. Sometimes when you talk you may not think you make much sense.

And you may not. But talking it out can still be self-clarifying at a level you may not even be aware of. During this time, discourage yourself from making any critical decisions, such as selling your house or moving to another community. With the judgment-making difficulties that naturally come with this part of the grief experience, ill-timed decisions might result in more feelings of loss. Go slow and be patient with yourself. And remember-you are not going crazy!