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The Mourner's Bill of Rights
Written by Allan Wolfiet, Ph.D.
Saturday, 31 December 2005
The Mourner's Bill of Rights by Allan Wolfiet, Ph.D.
Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.
1. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPERIENCE YOU OWN UNIQUE GRIEF. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.
2. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT YOU GRIEF. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3.YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL A MULTITUDE OF EMOTIONS. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings with out condition.
4. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE TOLERANT OF YOUR PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL LIMITS. Your feeling of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what you body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.
5.YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPERIENCE "GRIEFBURSTS" Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief my overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO MAKE USE OF RITUAL. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to morn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.
7. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EMBRACE YOUR SPIRITUALITY. If faith is a part of you life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEARCH FOR MEANING. You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the cliché-ed responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will," or "Think of what you have to thankful for," are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TREASURE YOUR MEMORIES. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
10. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO MOVE TOWARD YOUR GRIEF AND HEAL. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself, and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
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WE CHARGE NO DUES- There are no fees, however, we are supported by LOVE GIFTS and contributions, provided in memory of our loved ones, so that we may reach out to others in their bereavement through our chapter resources such as Newsletters, Website, Postage stamps, Lending library and brochures. (support the isulong seoph )
Chapter Meeting
Our monthly support group meeting is the heart of TCF. These gatherings provide a caring environment in which bereaved parents and adult siblings can talk freely about the emotions and experiences they are going through and receive the understanding support of others who have "been there." Read more.
TCF Principles
TCF offers friendship and understanding to bereaved parents.
TCF believes that bereaved parents can help each other toward a positive resolution of their grief.
TCF reaches out to all bereaved parents across barriers of religion, race, income or ethnic group.
TCF understands that every bereaved parent has individual needs and rights.
TCF helps bereaved parents primarily through local chapters.
TCF chapters belong to their members.
TCF chapters are coordinated nationally to extend help to each other and to individual bereaved parents everywhere.
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