Monday, December 20, 1999
Handling grief at holidays
Two families weave warm memories of lost loved ones into their traditions
BY CINDY KRANZ
The Cincinnati Enquirer
Gary Goddard holds up ornaments with pictures of his two children -- Derek and Hannah -- who both died in December of different years.
(Steven M. Herppich photo)
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When Jaime Goddard sees her presents under the Christmas tree, she thinks of her little sister who died three years ago.
“I pretend half of them are hers,” the 10-year-old Covedale girl says.
Jaime is wise beyond her years, though certainly not by choice. She acquired her insight because she has lost two siblings, Derek and Hannah, and a grandparent, all in December of different years.
That makes the holidays especially painful for Jaime and her parents, Gary and Donna Goddard, but they've learned to cope by incorporating memories of their loved ones into their holiday traditions.
They hang up Derek and Hannah's Christmas stockings. Ornaments bearing their photos are on the tree. They place a small tree at the children's grave site.
Other Tristate children, too, must cope with holidays without a sibling or parent. What should be a festive occasion is often marked with sadness, anger and confusion.
“Holidays mean family and traditions and everybody being together,” says Barb Coe, outreach coordinator for Fernside: A Center for Grieving Children in Norwood.
“There's an expectation during holidays that everybody should be merry and happy. Everyone is supposed to be in a lovely mood and feel just wonderful ... The reality is many grieving people don't feel happy during holidays. Even kids feel bummed out.”
The first thing parents can do to help a grieving child is to take care of themselves, Mrs. Coesays. They need to determine what will give them energy and patience to cope. They may need to cross off some holiday tasks or traditions.
“Talk as a family. Would it be good to not do things exactly the same? Could we adapt some of our traditions, put some things away for now because it just doesn't feel right or do something really different, like maybe go out-of-town for the holidays?”
The key is to talk it over in advance and let everyone have a say. in how the holiday is observed. If opinions differ, try to reach a compromise or let people do different things, she advises.
Allow for some quiet times and maybe some sad times during the holidays, she suggests. “Maybe even build that into the day where there can be time where people can relax and think about the person who died.”
Two Tristate families, who have experienced the pain of holidays without loves ones, shared their stories, hoping to help other families with grieving children.
Death of 4-year-old
Jaime Goddard's siblings both had a rare blood disease. Derek was 4 when he died Dec. 2, 1989 of complications from a hospital visit. Jaime was just 6 months old.
It would have been easy to cancel that first Christmas after Derek died, Mrs. Goddard says. “The thing that impacted me was my mother said, "What are you going to tell Jaime when she wants to see pictures of her first Christmas and there are none?'”
The first year, they were numb and just went through the motions. Supportive family members helped them cope. Their parents, siblings, aunts and uncles wrote memories or prayers, attaching them to roses. They placed the flowers in Derek's Christmas stocking.
The second Christmas, the Goddards say, was worse because reality had set in. But they continued to incorporate Derek's memory into their celebration.
Jaime's memories of Hannah are vivid. Hannah was 5 when she died of a stroke Dec. 4, 1996. Jaime was 7 then. “Jaime grew up knowing about death, which helped with the passing of Hannah,” Mrs. Goddard says. “She had been to the cemetery. She had pretty much asked all the questions.”
That first Christmas without Hannah, they put a small Christmas tree by the children's headstones and lit a candle. They've done it every year since.
Besides the photo ornaments, they've written messages on small slips of papers and slipped them into glass ornaments. Photos of Derek and Hannah sit by the fireplace, surrounded by evergreen and candles. On the first Sunday of Advent, their extended family hosts a memorial brunch for the Goddard children and two other cousins who died young.
The Goddards learned a lot about incorporating traditions through Compassionate Friends and Fernside. Both offered support groups and contacts with others who were grief-stricken. It helped Jaime heal and even help other grieving kids.
“It's OK,” she says. “I can talk about my sister and brother to people ... Sometimes, when you lose somebody, you think you're the only one, but you're really not.”
Jaime still suffers anxiety around the holidays, her mother says, because she's lost so many people she loves in December. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“I kind of miss Hannah opening her presents,” Jaime says. “It doesn't hurt as bad as when she first passed away. At first, I guess I was busy focusing on my presents.”
“And that's OK, too,” her mother reassures her.
“A lot of kids are excited about Christmas, but you don't forget,” Mr. Goddard says. “You lose the person, but you never lose the relationship. You always have them in your memory.”
In fact, the Goddards' advice to others going through the holidays without a loved one is to keep that person's memory alive and talk about them. Include the kids in planning the remembrances.
“What you have after they're gone is memories,” Mrs. Goddard says. “What you have to do is make more memories for you and your children by incorporating their memory into new traditions.”
Two sudden losses
Jane Quinn's husband, Chuck, died unexpectedly of heart failure in February 1997, leaving her and three children, ages 17, 13 and 10. He was 48.
The first Christmas was tough. They missed him, but made a conscious decision not to dwell on it. To add to their grief, they were still mourning the death of Mrs. Quinn's mother. She died Dec. 24, two months before Mr. Quinn.
“We basically tried to ignore it, but the most important thing I learned is it hits you right back,” Mrs. Quinn says. “We were real good, kept focused on Christmas, the gifts, staying busy. Once it was over, we fell apart.”
Last Christmas seemed easier. Time helped dull the pain. Still, when they visited the cemetery on Christmas, the tears flowed.
The Quinns have tried to incorporate memories into their Christmas. A sports fan, Mr. Quinn had his own Christmas tree that he decorated with sports ornaments. They've since either put his tree up or added his ornaments to the traditional tree. They still hang his stocking up. They place mistletoe on his grave.
Mrs. Quinn's advice to families going through their first holiday without a loved one is this: “Don't be afraid to cry. You don't have to keep a stiff upper lip. Let yourself feel the pain. It does get better.”
Stephanie Quinn, now 20, recalls that first painful Christmas without her dad. They just put up the small tree with her dad's ornaments and not the traditional tree. Instead of making things better, she says, it almost made it seem worse.
“It was hard because it wasn't the same. There's someone missing. There's no way it's ever going to be the same, but we kept trying to make it the same,” Stephanie says.
The second Christmas was better, she says. They put up a traditional tree. They've developed a new tradition of opening presents Christmas Eve at their grandpa's house instead of at home.
Her advice to kids going through the holiday without loved ones: “Do something in remembrance of them. Incorporate them into your traditions. You can't go through the holidays pretending they never existed or weren't a part of your life.”
She doesn't guarantee it will be easy. Stephanie loved to bake Christmas cookies, and it's still hard for her, because her dad always was there trying to sneak a cookie or dough.
“I still sometimes think to myself, "What am I going to get Dad for Christmas?”' Her family usually buys something he would have enjoyed or wanted them to have.
“The most important thing is we don't pretend he never existed,” Stephanie says. “We still celebrate him even though he's not with us in person. He's still part of our lives.”
Fernside offers support to children, ages 4-18, who are grieving the loss of an immediate family member.
Call 841-1012.
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