When the Nurse is Grieving
Coralease Cox Ruff, RN, BSN, MSN, DNSc
Monday July 30, 2001
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How do you plan a funeral for your child? Through all of the grief and pain and unanswered questions that accompany the unexpected loss of a loved one, how do you manage to remain focused on any aspect of your daily life, let alone the details of a memorial service for someone taken away just as their life was just beginning?
The statement, "Your life can change in an instant," became a reality for me more than four years ago when our 21-year-old daughter, Kandy, was killed in a car accident in the Dominican Republic, where she had gone to serve as a missionary. Through this experience, I learned many lessons, including that grief is something that can be dealt with if you share your pain with others who have had a similar experience.
After we were notified about the death of our daughter, I learned that news travels fast, far, and wide as many friends called or came to help. Offers for assistance took many forms, including making travel arrangements, providing airport transportation, answering the telephone, and preparing food. Others came with hugs and tears and still another encouraged me to go to the Dominican Republic.
We eventually made the trip. Once there, we were grateful for our daughter's friends, who provided transportation around town and most of all, provided their ability to speak Spanish. During our stay we visited the scene of the accident, which made her death real and began the healing process. We also drove past the hospital where she received care. We met many of her friends and attended a special memorial service held for her.
We were still left with the burning question of how to plan a funeral for our 21-year-old daughter. I learned the importance and satisfaction of making the service a celebration of her short but very rich life, rather than focusing on her death.
After the funeral, when all of our friends and family had gone home, we were alone with our broken hearts and the deafening silence in our home. I learned that often it is not peace and quiet that you want but rather some interpersonal contact.
It was a tremendous comfort to receive condolences from so many people across the nation and beyond. The messages came for months after her death, and I realized it is never too late to send a card, and a personal note is especially appreciated. I also learned that people don't want to talk about your child for fear of making you sad. However, they can be assured that we want our child to be remembered, and we welcome the chance to talk about them. One way we continue to keep our daughter's memory alive is through the Candice M. Ruff Memorial Scholarship at the University of Virginia, which was her alma mater. This allows our daughter's memory to live on while giving assistance to someone who needs it.
In the time that followed the funeral, I learned firsthand how the shock, grief, and pain of a child's untimely death can affect someone. One of the most profound effects is an impairment of cognitive functioning, including inability to concentrate, memory loss, and inability to perform complex mental tasks. This can impact a person's work capacity, driving skills, and many other activities of daily living that are often taken for granted. I also learned that reading books about grief and loss can be helpful during this time. A book entitled Life after Loss, by Bob Deits, became my best friend in grief, and was a tremendous source of comfort for me during the early days of darkness, pain and despair. It also gave me a ray of hope that I could survive this terrible tragedy.
I have also benefitted from the support of The Compassionate Friends (TCF). This self-help support group for bereaved parents and siblings seemed to be the only place I could carry my pain and comfortably talk about my daughter. Seeing other bereaved parents who had made it through such a difficult time reassured me that I could survive, and I learned that in helping to ease the pain of others your pain can be lessened.
I can truly say that when I attended my first TCF meeting one month after my daughter died, my life was broken and my heart was bleeding. It is now more than four years since our daughter left us, and much healing has occurred since then. I am a totally different person now and life is worth living again.
I continue to serve my local TCF chapter, and more than a year ago I founded a District of Columbia TCF Chapter. We meet every third Wednesday at the Howard University Rankin Chapel lower lounge from 7 PM to
9 PM. We welcome all bereaved parents including those from Virginia and Maryland.
My dream of a organizing a conference for professionals who work with bereaved families has also been realized through my planning and implementation of the 24th TCF professional seminar on grief and healing held in Arlington, VA, on July 5. My next goal is to develop a course on grief and loss for student nurses.
People grieving over the loss of a loved one don't have to be alone. And through the work of organizations like TCF, they can find the strength and support to go on with their daily lives, as well as provide support for those who are faced with the unexpected loss of a loved one.
